If I had a million dollars.

I was at university when the National Lottery launched in the UK. As you might imagine, lottery fever swept the country, and suddenly it became more important than ever to have a prepared answer for “What would you do if money was suddenly no object?”

Here, now, only 19 years later, is mine.

I would get a health check-up.

Okay, just stop. Wait a second. I know how boring that sounds. Let’s get some business out of the way first – obviously I’d give a chunk to charity. I’d treat friends and families.

But the first really big, extravagant expense that was for me, and me alone, would be the most astonishingly comprehensive medical in the history of the world.

Right down to the genetic level, I want everything tested. I want someone in a white coat to measure literally everything about me that can be measured. I want the most qualified scientists and experts money can buy to look at these measurements. Analyse them. Devise new tests based on those first tests.

Am I getting enough iron? Too much salt? Do I have any incredibly mild dietary intolerances I didn’t even know about? Any particular structural weaknesses in my bones or muscles that could be addressed with specific kinds of exercise? Exactly what kind of food should I eat in order to power my body and mind in the best possible way?

I want to have every allergy test, be screened for every condition. I want to know myself inside and out in a way that few other human beings could dream of. Sure, psychological evaluations too! The whole works.

It would take a really long time – months, if not years. I think it would be fascinating, and of immeasurable value.

I desperately love the idea of being handed an innocuous (but expensive-looking) thumb drive, which contains… Me. That might be narcissism. Maybe. It might be laziness – I’m unwilling to do the homework, and find this stuff out for myself. I don’t know.

All I know is that it’s totally what I would do.

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