As previously established, I don’t listen to music.
For whatever reason this noisy fad hasn’t passed yet, so I thought I’d give it another try.
I went into the net, and I bought some albumens. I thought I’d stick with the pop stuff, as it is inherently lowest common denominator and therefore low risk.
Here are my reviews. You know you can trust them because I am objective. I am objective because I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Taylor Swift – 1989
It was a good year. I started secondary school that year. Ah, memories.
Taylor Swift is good at music and I like listening to her be good at it. Well done Taylor.
Haim – Days Are Gone
I did a little bit of research to make sure these ladies would be poppy and inoffensive. They turn out to be fun but flimsy and ultimately very forgettable. The lyrics bounce harmlessly off the surface of your brain. No desire to listen to any of it again.
5 Seconds of Summer – 5 Seconds of Summer
I am told they are even better than One Direction, so… whew, right?
They were probably the most overtly offensive of the three. I have two reasons. One is nonsense, the other not. Nonsense reason – they do that profoundly irritating CLANGaLANGaLANGaLANGaLANG guitar thing where they don’t ever just… stop. The guitar strums and strums without cessation and makes me hate everything. That Oasis chap does it a lot too.
The non-nonsense reason is that the nakedly manipulative nature of the ‘music’ is very poorly hidden. Every melody is deliberately simple and anthemic, designed to be yelled by teenage girls in stadia. Every song is leeched of all possible personality so that it can apply to as many desperate fans as possible. None of the songs says anything about anyone or anything.
It’s a machine to make money, and by all accounts it does very well, but there are other money machines that I find it terribly easy to love, so something different is happening here.